This isn't really about anything but my thoughts, this blog business, but I share it because I know that there are people who love me and check once in a while to see that I'm okay and still in the fight. I'm really not going anywhere. I can't really quit. Jesus may want more of me, but He has enough that I'm not going to go anywhere without Him.
I just get bored with my lessons. I rarely really feel as though I've done well on a test. I don't seem to hear Him as others I know do... but then again, it's only been in the lasty couple of years that I realized that I hear Him and think that it's just my brilliant mind. That should be an easy thing to recognize the difference between, but for a long time I didn't. Children should be taught to hear so that when they get older they won't be confused about it. They'll be aware of the similarities and know to judge the difference.
I think that sometime after I get more regular access to a pc, I'm going to have to flesh this one out, but for now, I've got to go. Time is a cruel master... or at least somewhat demanding.

Interesting. Somehow my last post missed publication. Oh well, I just pretty much have more of the same to say today.
I am so tired of being alone. I am about ready to quit. I know that there are people who would regard me as someone who they could settle down with, but I just can't "settle" for them. I meet these ladies periodically that show me what it is that I seek. That I am not looking to find someone who doesn't exist, but they are already married and have kids.
And kids- I believe that I want to be blessed by offspring. It's such a blessing in the lives of others that I know. I think that I want to experience kids as well. Shouldn't I have that choice? Have I messed up that opportunity as well as others? I am no where near where I hoped to be by this time. I never thought to be wealthy by the worlds' standards, but by MY standards I had hopes.
What is this curse that hinders me? Will it gain strength from the promised letter from "home" or will I be exposed as the man that I have always hoped that I'd be?
I still hear that haunting phrase that "even the very elect will be deceived if it's possible" and question all my choices again. My soul seems to deflate through my heart as I contemplate this whole thing, this eventual turn of events.
I am forced to ask "God, just what is the purpose of these tricks that you seem to play on me? The promises that I want so to believe for but never quite see? The miracles that You seem to do so readily for others and yet I cannot seem to lay hold of?
Was I dreaming when I heard you say to believe for a new car? Was I dreaming when your apostle laid his hand on my head and prayed for my hair to return and not just with the original thickness but the original color? Was it fantasy when your prophetess told me that my youth would be restored? Did the dream confirming the nearness and identity of my beloved spring from my own feeble mind? I really can't take much more of this. I am ready to come home and bathe in your goodness and peace.
I look in my bag and all my mustard seeds are impotent, spent, cracked or consumed by mold and I find none to spend. I feel as inconsequential as dust waiting for rain.
God help me.
Jesus help me.
Spirit help me.

I was invited to a friends house last night to do some, "sweeping and cleaning" in the home. He desired to get help ushering out some things that he felt pressure from. Things that encouraged behaviour in him that could cause a seperation between him and God, and so we went. We sat, we prayed and we listened to the Spirit. I could go into some of the seemingly spooky stuff, the stuff that if you were likely to understand you would know what it was anyway. Not necessary.
So anyway, we prayed. We began to dig into the soul of a man and saw a hidden bitterness purged that would cause any man to have some hidden struggles. We actually saw this thing as a seed that was buried, but in the wrong kind of soil. Mucky, mirey soil that isn't good to grow anything in but that which can gain it's nutrients on it's own, but this is not how a man was created nor designed. We are, in fact, interdependant, and must learn from, give to, teach each other and and that is what turns the soil and makes it ready for planting.
As my brother Dave was pointing out some lack in answering the call for progeny, I was hearing about learning to walk and seeing the quartet from the Wizard of Oz dancing together down the street, wondering which one he was when I realized that he was all of them, he just wasn't actually walking in step with himself.
And through it all the Lord was letting me know that He has been working in me, manifesting His goodness and today, as I looked in the mirror, My hair is getting a little darker. There are some new little black hairs growing up on my head, but that's for another day. Work is early, too early for no coffee and sitting around listening to well, again, another time perhaps. I'm just not prepared to go there yet- but God is up to something there as well... And God has broken through my enemies by my hand like a breakthrough of water. Yeah!

I will also say of this man, as I had intended to post last night. It's not about comparison so much as aspiration or inspiration. I have in the past considered myself pretty good in the realm of "armor-bearing", but I have learned things every time I come in contact with this tremendous servant of the Lord. Humility, mercy, grace, I believe that there's about 6 other fruits of the Holy Spirit that are growing on that tree. He is another whom I am glad to call "brother" from now until forever. A mighty man of God.

I am rarely speechless, but I had a moment of it today.I was incredibly blessed by a friend who I cried on the shoulder of, and told about my woes, not considering that God would use them to be a large part of His answer to my needs and, even though I think that God warned me so my heart wouldn't just out and out stop- I was truly "verklempt". I am now solvent, in addition to being employed come monday. I have never received a monetary blessing like this one... It was of the size that I am anxious to be able to give. I don't even know ho to express it, nor do I know that it is appropriate here, in particular, as I have already sent an e-mail to my friend. I don't know that I can say it better than here in the pasted e-mail.

My words would sound empty if I told you that I can't 
accept it, it's too much because, well, for one thing,
I'm not overdrawn at the bank any longer, and I'll be
getting the name of a guy tomorrow for car insurance.
I guess that God lets us get into situations so that
He can bless people big, and believe me, I was.
Mrs Maclain (Sue) was standing in her kitchen talking
to Dave (Mr) when I opened the envelope. Can I tell
you that the first thing that I thought was that $4
was too much to spend on a 32, or 37 cent stamp. I
thought that was extravagant, but when I opened it up
I was speechless. Sue handed me the phone and I just
waved her off. She told Dave that I was speechless,
and then handed the phone my way again. I just
breathed into the phone... God tried to prepare me
for this, but again, I'm not a quick study.
Anyway, if I know you, this is a little embarrassing
for you, and so I'll shut up now. Let me know if I
need to post thanks to many, or if the "we" that you
mentioned earlier is of the "royal" nature.
I am being convinced of a different future as you have
encouraged my soul as well as my spirit.

Well, little Jaquie O'Neill wins the prize for the question about the bear. She hit the nail on the head. Among other revelations tonight, hers is the one that will be best remembered. Here is what she posted on the Streetfire website...
"A bear to me is very strong, shows no fear or weaknes, and totally relies on its own strength to survive. (I"m now saying you are like that!) Maybe God is wanting you to rely on Him instead of your own strength, and let Him work through your weakness? That is what I got out of that? Praying for you Todd. Jacqueline"
Aint that a kicker. She hit it dead on. She hardly knows me, we've been in the same airspace about four times in her young life. She just graduated college and was invited to intern with Cindy Jacobs and Dutch Sheets- do you s'pose that's a hand in glove kind of fit? Uhhh, yup.
So God's calling me on my self reliance. I don't prophesy so much because of my self reliance. I probably don't get healed because of my self reliance. I have not dyed my hair because that would be such obvious self reliance to lack any credibility. And I've tried not to be so.
I ask all the time for God to do things, but I think that the way that it really works is kind of like this.
"Whatcha doin' there, God? Oh that looks like a pretty cool thing, can I watch? Well here, let me help. If you'd just step back a little I could... would you hand me that wrench, you know what I really need is a sandwich, could you go inside and get me..."
Like a parent doing his kids science fair project only in reverse. Why would I trust Him to do these things right, after all I live here on the planet.
And it may be why I don't have the cash flow that I know that He'd like to see me with. I'd be handing money out because "they need it" like it was my own money. It wouldn't be. He provides me with this body as a shelter. He has provided me with food to eat. I really don't know anyting about this gratitude thing at all. If I work, I earned the cash, not that He made certain that I was healthy and able to work.
Well Lord, I confess that I am self reliant, but I'm asking you to help me to learn this lesson and drive the bear out of my life. Like Edmund losing the dragon's scales, make quick and lasting work of it. Amen.

Well, it seems that the path now is cresting. Tomorrow I have a job interview with the bus deal. Not what I want, I don't think, but I'm not going to tell them that right off. I want to enjoy the moment. It has already taken off a lot of the pressure, and if I were to get on with these guys, I could move myself to Oly or Longview or wherever when I need to... I think. Still, though I see eggs I see not one chicken, so I'm not counting anything yet.
Last night I began to post here, but I got confused by the differences between mac and pc and so deleted and decided it was too late anyway and I needded to talk to God for a while... and listen, as well. I read in Song of Solomon about the Shulamite woman going out to find her love after "dissing" him at the door and how it cost her a beating and a ride in the squad car. I'm still not sure what I've been doing wrong, other than not spending enough personal time with Him. I guess I talk intimacy, but I haven't got it worked out yet.
Anyway, I heard from Bishop John round-a-bout and from Conrad Lampan as well, on fire in our lives. I guess that I have reached that place where it's no longer I but He who is the strength in my walk. I can be in the way like a corpse, but I really don't have a whole lot to say about anything. It's all Him, and He can see farther than I, so I'll trust Him..

I'm still not sure what that bear deal is... but I haven't spent much time alone, you know? I didn't get my car fixed, I tried, but I don't know electrical and have a kind of block about it anyway, thanks to uncle sam. (Whole 'nother story, not going there probably ever.) I asked Bulous for a little insight today and he asked about teddy bear?.. . 'been down that road sort of.
He confirmed a lot of what I've heard in the past. New countries (hard to see when you're basically homeless), and som e other stuff that I don't remember. It went fast and it was a download. For the most part, I heard that I am not going to be ruined by present circumstances. That was reassuring.
On theooze today unity reffered to me as "biggydrink" with a condescending tone that I hope that I responded to correctly. If it's about teddy ber, then I did just right... I told him that he was not to touch (mock or judge) the Lords' anointed. I begin to see myself a little in that light. It wasn't just that name, he referred to another guy as a babe. It was the twisting of scripture and my words. I said that satan was not in eternal opposition to God because it was a fixed fight from the timme of the cross. His response was that satan was doomed to the earth (a point that I mentioned) and so therefore ashes to ashes, dust to dust, where was satan chained? I hate manipulators and religious spirits and this guy is both. You get to a point and he attacks the vehicle... I guess that I should have said something about chasing cars, but it wouldn't have been heard right. I haven't decided whether or not to respond anymore.
On a happier note, I do know that my saviour lives. I know that He has a plan for me and that I may or may not be struggling, kicking against the goads, but I am moving. I have taken a direction and I am lumbering or perhaps sauntering on. Probably more on the lumbering side, but then that would be bearish, wouldn't it. I am determined to get this thing in line. I think that I'll get some time in now with the author and creator. G'nite.

It's time to stop being a bear and be a man. I don't know what it means yet, but I'm sure He'll tell me. Maybe it's because I seem to hibernate... do ya' think?

Did I say turn up the heat? What the hell was I drinking. I have about ten days to find a new residence, the last check that I wrote overdrew my account by $2.86 (that'll cost me $30.86), and today I got a ticket for not having proof of insurance... the cop stopped me as I was driving 1 block from Safeway (where I went to get ice for a wedding) back to the church because he didn't like my tail lights and nailed me for not having proof of insurance. So now I'm homeless, bankrupt and unemployed miscreant.
When I said turn up the heat I wasn't looking for a prairie equivalent of peat to hit the fan. That stuff doesn't burn as clean when it's fresh, and the aroma isn't anything like pine. Pony McNuggets, if you catch my drift.
My friend brought up the crowns that the 24 elders in heaven cast before the throne of Christ. She gave me a rhema word, but she got it from the Father, so it's really not mine to share here. But Rev. 4:11 says, "You are worthy, oh Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created."
I have to go back to the night that I lost my irish reminder ring, and my rant before God that ended with, "If I'm not on your mind, then I'm not in existence."
I'm homeless, bankrupt and and on my way to work out a deal with a judge and somehow, I climbed onto the spit myself. I feel like I'm on the spit that's hitting the fan... I think that's gonna be as close as I can get to saying it without saying it. It's one thing to actually say it, but there is a little posterity here... or maybe it's my posterior that I'm trying to cover, either way, I'll go no closer.
I just know that He says that he chastises those He loves. I hope that I can get through this and make Him proud. And my family. I have family that takes me pretty seriously, and they have a love for me that is beyond my understanding... They are a gift to me from God. He gave them to me. I share them, but they are mine and they make me rich in the midst of it all. They are a light in my darkness, the voice that calls to me when I am lost. They are the ones who, after I told them that I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it seems that it was Amtrack, they told me I was going through training, and if your not groaning right now, I didn't tell it right.
Anyway, there is a confession of my angst. I have begun to see the value of the crowns cast at the feet of Jesus. There are no jewels, only reflections and mine is going through a refinement even now.

"So," the story goes, "do you know the most important element of comedy?" Why no," you say, "what is the most impor-" "Timing"
I have been waiting for fifteen years for some dreams to come to pass. 25 for one. And now the frequency of the same words coming to me. I begin to think that it's nearly time.
Joseph had it worse than me. He really believed what God said to him. I've struggled and given up and forgotten and, well, you know what it is to be human- I think that I'm just more of the give up/in type of human than most. You want me to go for something? You've gotta give me a little incentive. And, it seems, the longer between sightings, the bigger the incentive needs to be. I heard something about a new wineskin a while ago. and then more recently, too. Now I've heard something about tomorrows' fire. Joseph had a clue what God was saying.
Maybe that's a boon, to have no idea what your looking for- more catches your eye. On the other hand, when you don't know what it is, it can pass you by and, well, you miss it.
I believe that we are in a time of reformation, and that we are still recovering from the dark ages. I think that we are doing the best that we can with what we have, but I think that He wants us to have much more... I just can't quite define the much more part. Like Ransom on Malacandra trying to focus on things that he's never seen before. Like Neo trying to see with eyes that had, in fact, never been used. Like in one of those goofy places where water runs up hill and the shorter seem taller because perspective has been warped, manipulated to give you reference points that look right but are in fact, hallucinagenic.
This may or may not make any sense, but I believe that as much as I don't like what the church puts on people, they are doing the best they can. There are few true fathers in the church today- few true pastors who actually lay down their lives for their flock. A shepherd doesn't roast the one sheep that went out and got lost. If they find them, they do what they must to teach them, but the don't turn them out or ignore the pain that they may be in for their own convenience. They don't even find the slightest bit of pleasure in breaking that little lambs leg.
How can we better teach. How can we learn when there are so few teachers, and many of them are afraid to go on the adventure. Some seem to be on the archealogical dig, some looking for the cure among relics, and some looking for the cure on a new frontier.
Who's right? Yes. Yes would be the correct response to a question like that. I think that what is ahead must be the completion of what is behind. Jesus said that you must lose your life to find it. He said that he came to fulfill the law, not abolish it. He said that the time would come when the reaper would over take the sower. I am anxious to be overtaken by the Spirit. I suspect that it won't be pretty, but I think that it'll be a gas. What will it look like, that's the billion dollar question. I don't know, but turn up the heat, I think that I'm ready to burn.

I was gone for a couple of days. DAmah film festival in Seattle- I can never remember what Damah means, but it has to do with change and the the influence of things looking like something other than what they are... or something. Okay, I cheated- "a metaphor that transforms."
The films were great! Mostly. Kosher is always a crowd pleaser, and I heard the film maker talk a little about why she made it. The one following should have been followed- Transformations was about the grief of parents over the loss of a child. Very cathartic. It even makes me like that word more than I did before. Another called Longbranch was about a cowboy who was barbequing in his apartment while saving two lives through ccreating interaction. They were all great fun and with a 56k modem or better, many of them are available to be seen on their website at if you have the hardware.
I came home a little earlier than I wanted to because I have an acquaintance who insisted that I apply for a job, well, yesterday, but when I got in their today I got the distinct impression that I was Jeffs' friend and would be treated with some small resentment. I've been feeling a fair bit of that sort of thing anyway from various sources. I can't say that it's ever been real, but you know perceptions are deadly too.
Anyway, I came back early, left the film fest to get back because a job was assured, they are begging for help (the last time he sent me on this course, they weren't even accepting apps) So anyway, I went. I filled out the app, went and got a driving abstract (ten bucks I hadn't even contemplated spending yet) and they'll begin to consider it monday. Don't bother seeing Jerry or Jim, leave the app with Sue and Jerry will take a look at it on monday. I wish I was in Seattle right now.

I didn't post last night because it was a long evening. Not long in the sense that it drug on, but it actually went some where. The last time I felt that weak after praying for someone they died. (Okay, not that funny, it was my Dad, but we ministered to each other and no one else in the room mattered)
We were praying for a woman who I didn't know and I just really felt strongly that there were 7 stones that were things that the enemy had tried to use to harden her heart and that these 7 stones were to become a type of altar for her to minister from and that it would be a cross cultural, cross gender, ministry of these things that seem unrelated, but somehow He would fit them together- anyway, I was hearing from God. But when it was over, I was so weak in my knees, I hadn't experienced this before. Not since m' Da, and that was like being a birthing coach. I felt as though I was birthing him into heaven, that was phenomanal. I came away from that with a joy that almost overwhelmed the sorrow of the occasion. (I am having the worst time with spelling tonight- not type-o's, but spelling.)
Then it was my turn to get a little. Whoa-boy. I'll be chewing on that for a bit. He's gonna have to teach me how to proclaim His word. I agree with it fine, I just don't really know how to reak through that membrane that is between me and it. Lord I believe, help my unbelief... Lord I receive, help my bent receivers.

Tonight I heard a verse that I'm sure that I've skimmed over. It's in Luke and it says blessed is he who is not offendedd by the Lord. It's an obscure little thing that Jesus spoke to the disciples of John the Baptist when they came to ask him if he was who they thought that he was. After John had heard the voice of God. After John had seen the Holy Spirit fall like a dove onto his shoulder. After they had seen him heal and multiply food and raise the dead... but just befire John lost his head. I suppose that I could find losing my head offensive.
God know that I've been offended by less. And then it makes me see why the bride lowers her veil. She has expectations. I've thought about this being the reason that I haven't found a mate. The packaging is a little rough. There's an expectation that doesn't look like it will be met.
With Jesus that means so much more. There are such high expectations, and we want what we want. Surely he can do, all he has to do is speak the word, if he loved me the way that I deserve to be loved, if he loved me as much as he loves so-and-so- I an't go on with the list because it's just a pointless parade of excuses, many of which I have forgotten and don't need to renew an old arguement.
I lost a ring. I was offended. I got over it, and he gave it back to me. Then he asked me to give it to him. It was a simple ring. It had it's purpose, but it was a simple ring, not worth anything but sentiment and he asked me to give it to him in n offering. I wept, but I gave it... You should see the ring that I have now, but it can't be too precious to me or I will have to giv it to him as well.
But we don't want to give what is ours. We are like the two year old who has just learned the concept of "mine." I know that there are some who give, but few who really give "til it hurts." I don't perceive this to be a cultural thing, I think that it's pervasively human, and has many faces. We will not lose what we have gained unless we know the reason. That is the biggest harm in loss for us, and if we make the big sacrifices we have expectation for how it should be replaced. Then we are okay if God goes beyond our expectation, but if it's not within the realm of our understanding, well, we've had enough of that.
I don't have an answer, or even a way to end this post. I only know that I heard a phrase that a man used to describe himself. I may have used it before, but it's true, more so today than yesterday. I am a prisoner of hope- probably eternally, because I know that he's got something else up his sleeve. I hope that I can trust it.

Just sent out an e-mail that I thought "push send- doh!, that was a little too forward!" Fear is such a crippler. Either I'm forgiven or I'm not, you know? But then again, I guess that I can't look back on the past year or so and think that anyone who hasn't been around for any of that time would know any growth in me. (Although there is that whole change while absent makes it so noticable thing) I made a devastating mistake and I'm still not over it, exactly, but how can I know that you are? How can I know that our friendship is really still intact. How can I know that I can trust you to trust me when that hasn't been my experience with this sort of thing (not necessarily that sort of thing) in the past? Is there an answer to this dilemma? I think so.
You are who I think that you are. You are merciful and full of grace, like the God that you profess. You have the love of a big God within you and you are a secret agent on assignment for Him in my life (and the lives of many others even more secret- and less secret) and sometmes we share assignments whether we know it or not. I think that this all stems from me being undeserving.
I'm not tryng to capitalize on a poor self esteem here. As friends go, I could have none other- it just seemed- seems hard for me to trust that you could trust me. And then there is that other little matter that just never seems to go away. I wish that I could talk about that, but then i don't know that I would like the results of that either. This all reminds me of a lyric in a Lyle Lovett song, "Life is_ so uncertain"
And I'm asking for another 65 years... "Doh!"

I was just chatting with a guy about being ADD and I realized that I am, not bonafide, but self-diagnosed as ADD that is the reason why ____ so many things.
I have oft wondered about the whole "hard to receive" thing, and how unfair it is. How hard it is to be in a room full of drunks and be part of the remedial group in the corners known as the "hard to receives". You feel like a wall flower, even though you know that you aren't. And then people start making excuses for you because, well, they're embarassed for you. They would rather not have to deal with those kinds of differences, but today I may have gotten a little bit of an answer to this quandry that has been a thorn in my side for much too long.
I am ADD. I can't sit and read my bible, pray, worship, much of anything alone. I think perhaps it's a type of spiritual autism that floods the senses to the point that there is no response available, and like the kids whose parents have begun to use the finger boards to communicate with their children, I must borrow from the will of another to perform simple tasks and functions. I can do anything in the right company. It's really about the influences that you can draw strength from. My ability to know Gods' presence is sadly reliant on the reality of the investment of others- if that makes any sense. Sometimes I thought that it was that I wasn't enough, but I begin to see, now, that I just haven't had that part developed and it helps to borrow from someone. I'm not advocating the christian vampire stuff that I have heard allusions to, but more like the remora, a hangeert on and gatherer of scraps... kind of like the samaritan, even the dogs get the scraps from the table. Well, one step at a time. I will learn to borrow from the will of the Holy Spirit, now that I know that is what I need. I think that this might be personal revelation, and an answer for some others as well. Not all others, but some.

I was talking with my friend Ed and we were discussing "the process" How growth happens by degree and step by step. He said that deliverance can happen in an instant, and I countered that deliverance in and of itself is only a step. If we went through the process all at once, I'm afraid that we'd comeout looking like Frankenstein, parts sewn on nothing matching- you know two left feet, not so good for dancing. I'm glad that God deals with us as individuals, and that everyone's process is tailored for their success. Thank God that He's smarter than the rest of us.

David asked the question, "Why are you downcast, oh my soul?" I think that's a fair question to ask, don't you? We get caught up in stuff that we forget tomorrow, but for today, it's the big deal. How will we make it through to tomorrow unless we resolve it resolve it.
The real question should probably be , "When did my soul turn against me, anyway?" There is so much out there in the world that, in proper perspective, is phenomenal. God put cool stuff here for us to find. For us to use to make things. For us to eat and drink and- well, to use. He put us here in a place that would renew itself and told us to go forth and subdue. Not conquer, but subdue. I don't think that those are the same thing.
Subdue sounds like beating something into submission, but I don't think that's it. guess that I should probably study up on the original languages before I go off on this road. Is there a difference between the Body of Christ and the Bride of Christ? I do know the difference between the church and the Church, although someone earlier today wanted to clarify it for me. How do we get so screwed up on nomenclature? What is it that drags us over there. What is the shiny object that attracts our soul to ponder these things? I think that they may all be layers of the veil mentioned yesterday. We see through a glass dimly- then face to face. Are we ready to have the veil lifted from our faces- from my face?

Well, I have issues, like any one else, but I am beginning to think that perhaps, like Hosea, my married life is a picture of the church- the Bride of Christ. Hosea was instructed to marry a whore as a dramatization of the interaction of the nation of Israel with God. One of unfaithfulness and degradation. For me it may be one that the bride doesn't want to trust the what she sees and hears (I'm not particularly pretty)... remember these are the ramblings etc, etc. What follows is a diary entry that I penned last week during my time away. It may have some truth in it.

I see the bride, but how can she dance in that dress? Form fit to the ankles- And that veil is much too heavy. She couldn't see where she was going if she could dance. In her fear of mis-stepping she has bound her feet. In her fear of her betrothed she has layered her veil to hide, not her imperfections but her fear that the bridegroom won't live up to her expectations- it is, after all, an arranged marriage.
Can anyone live up to her expectation? Can anyone be worth what she perceives to be her cost? Her investment? She has forgotten and now only knows from old letters... still, He sounds very promising. The father who razed her, well, he was never her father, a non-invested foster parent, really, yelling epithets as she ponders their past and her future. He was never much of a guardian- he had actually violated her and tore her self esteem down far beyond what any man, any normal man, could hope to reconstruct- but here, dare she hope? Dare she really believe is just that man?
He has already given himself and his promise of fidelity. He vowed, and gave His life... He has set a feast and prepared a banquet, He awaits only her certainty. Only her unabashed abandon. He awaits the brides invitation without reservation... without reservation.

I got a kick out of what I hope was a joke, was likely one of those things that, if I caught it right, could be a lesson, but still, what more can be taken from me.
I was talking with Doris, a sweet God loving, God fearing grandma-lady, who I've done some work for who always blesses me. We were talking about finances and what it would be like to have seemingly infinite finance, what we would do- and the phrase that there were pro's and con's to this unlimited wealth that we were neither of us really prepared for and I made the off-handed statement that I try to stay closer to the pro's and away from the cons, thinking about my past abuses of judgement and the like, when she became suddenly quiet. She asked if I had been offended. I had a hunch where this dear saint was going, but still had to ask. She said that she had been talking to someone about it having been difficult for me to find work and they had made the statement that it's hard for a con to get a job... I howled with laughter. She couldn't remember who had told her, but I hope that it was someone with that type of sense of humor. If not, I may have something to worry about, but- I wish that I'd been there.

I was just in a discussion about whether or not God changes His mind. Age old discussion, no concrete evidence, just enough to feed everyone's theories far enough that they can't quite believe them, they can't quite let them go, but they have to have something to believe.
I have come to a conclusion. We are to come to Him as a child, right? And when raising children it's important for them to get a sense of themselves, of responsibilty, of how things work. When they are really little their decisions are, "cry or not cry, am I comfortable." When they get a bit older it becomes, "do I really weant to eat this or throw it on the floor. Mommy is there a different flavor." When you get a little older it's "why, I'm making this decision and I think plaid pants and a superman cape with my batman cowl will be a fashion hit in sunday school."
I submit that God has made decisions about some things. Earth, good. Night and day, good. Sea and sky, good. Plants and animals, good.Man, really good. (Woman, one of my personal fav's) Mankind being willful, bad. Christ to be set forth as a redeemer when man falls, the only way. These are the decisions that are made. I am beginning to believe that everything else He wants input. He can make the decisions unilaterally and I think because He's the Daddy, He probably does, but I think that He is open to discussion. Sometimes it's like praying for your team to win. God doesn't care who wins and loses, it's really, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequetial, but we are invited to do it and as children often do. He says that we don't have because we don't ask, and that he won't teach us to ask to "mumble dogface in the banana patch" when we want to use the bathroom (sorry , a little Steve Martin influence there.) He's not out to embaress us. He has made the decision that He loves us and wants the best for us, but that He will slap our lttle hands when we get too far out there. I think that He encourages us to stretch our hands out to him, and ask what we will, and if it's good for us the answer is yes. He intends to give us good gifts. He has bent over backwards to give us the best possible outcome in every situation.
This can, in no way be a finished discussion of this subject. I'm sure that there is much more to consider before coming to a concrete conclusion... If I must. If I have to use concrete, I'm writing my name in it.

Boy what a day. I can be such an ass for all the right reasons. If you listened hard enough you could hear me bray for a good portion of the day. And I hate it when I go there. I, I, I is all you here coming out of my mouth sometimes. It looks as thoug hI am the one that it's really all about. Me. The song Carol King did about being vain? Me. Picassos' portrait stand in model? Me. The tomb of the unknown soldier? Mine.
I have too much experience... maybe that's I've had too many experiences. Too many jobs, too many titles, lived in too many towns, moved too many times. I have got to learn to shut up at the appropriate times. I need to speak up when the outcome looks like danger, and let nature take it's course about teaching people things that they already have some concept of. Let others try out there ideas before pointing out the "easier way"
This is a big lesson that has been trotted out before me before, and I guess that I haven't caught on yet.I wish that I had more time to explore this here now, but I am beat. from all the doing things my way, easier or not.

Do you ever get a chance to see yourself younger? I have seen some of the young man who I used to be today and had a question answered about who I am becoming. One was easy in that I think that I see a place where I have grown, although I'm not sure that THAT would be a proper assessment of it.

I watched as a very helpful young lady worked her tush off (it was out of gratitude, she who is forgiven much loves much) to help my pastor move. She blew off work, and she needs to work- she just bought a new car, and she ran out the door to get lunch (that she shared with me) and other things to watch to be certain that their needs were met at every turn. If she could do it, it was as good as done.

I on the other hand (remember, I'm admittedly a work in progress as is this blog) have done the same out of wanting to please someone. If I can meet your needs, then I'm in. If I can gain responsibilities and you can rely on me, then you have to love me, I've earned it... I think that is the truth of it.

It comes from the fear of man. I have shared hints of the rejection that has affected my soul, and that is where the root lies, and there planted next to it, in a nice even row is bitterness sown by not having the wages that I expected yet never contracted for. Relationship, intimacy, being part of the inner circle. Jesus wouldn't allow it. He has been telling me for years that He wants to be in my inner cirlce, and I haven't known how to facilitate that. He's been telling me that he may seem late to the meetings of the inner circle, but it's our watches aren't synchronized yet. That happens through proximity. I'm glad that I'm indulging myself in this media. I don't know how else I would've gotten to where I just landed without it.

The other thing is that I have come to realize that if I had been alive during the time of Christ, I would've been a pharisee. And the reason that the pharisees were so bothered (one of the reasons) was because they had just been spending a lot of time defending, keeping pure and honest, their faith. I do that today, to the best of my ability, and when someone flies in the face of what I'm sure is right, they get a head butt. I crucify them. I stone them. I beat them into submission using scripture or sometimes rumored scripture (God helps those who help themselves... I think that would be like the law beyond the pentatuech), to make them say uncle. I have grown some and I think that though I would have been in the front row shouting, I am beginning to see some of the challenges in a less suspicious way. Learning more about discernment, and grace- what a big word that is. Things are looking up. God is not only my creator, He's my provider and I'm not a stagnant pool watering goats who stand knee-deep polluting my waters. I'm a new wine skin, and being renewed daily, a bit at a time.

So many topics to choose from today. Judgement, good or bad and who gets to do it. One-ness, is it nonsense or just something that I don't get? Racial disparity in the church- why?
I think that today I gained the most clarity on the subject of one-ness. This is a concept where you deny that you are anything but part of the whole. I say it this way because I can't get the main purveyor of this collection of horse mcnuggets to stand with enough definition to know if he is a Jesus follower or not. Once in a while he speaks a truth that is undeniable and challenging, at other times, I don't even bother reaching for the shovel, I just plant something and hope that it finds enough nourishment to grow. I met him on theooze and he is a thorn in the side of many.
As I consider the arguement that he laid out stating that Jesus doesn't judge us, I offered 5 verses, three in red letter, that said that judgement happens whether we like it or not.
I then challenged his overworked statement that we are part of "the One" and went to the graft example. He sounds as though we become part of the root stock, but we don't. Root stock provides a stronger root and feeding system to increase fruit and flower depending, viability and multiplication of slower growing varieties. Jesus is root stock, we are grafted into as gentiles, and as jews, we are branches of the original vine, but aren't faring too well on the fruiting and flowering portion of our calls. We, the grafted part, add a certain vigor to the original. A grafted root stock will often try to grow back and sucker from below or take over from the graft, but with proper husbandry, it will be kept in check and not adversly affect those parts that are grafted in. Because of this process, you can have many different fruits, many different colors all growing on the same tree.
It seems to me that when Jesus spoke about the body of Christ it always included diversity. Vine and branch with grafts- the Body of Christ- does a hand say because I am not an ear I am not a part. We are part, but with very different tasks, very different gifts, different levels of sensativity/sensuality. I met a guy once that had such thick callouses on his hands that he didn't use hot pads when he cooked. There's also the part about being bought with a price.
Did Christ need to ransom His body? Had it been stolen away from him while he slept? If we are part of the "One" then what is the point of this whole "world" thing? Wouldn't it have just been easier to make us part of the body in the beginning? What will they think of next... Forget I asked, I don't really want to know.

A man in California just reminded me that the chinese have a blessing, "May you live in interesting times." We were talking about how hard it can be when nothing seems solid beneath your feet because God is allowing you to be shaken to your core so that you know what your root stock really is.
Jesus said, "I am the vine, you are the branches..." and He meant that He should be our root stock. The thing about root stock and grafting is that you want root stock that is strong- will accept the graft and feed the branches, loaning the grafted part it's strength and durability. It also lends in speeding up the pro-creative process and the viability of a new plant. There is much more to this than I can speak to at present, so I am going to have to do some study, but I will.
Back to the inscrutable. Living in interesting times is like getting patience- you're afraid to ask for it, but you know that without it you will stagnate. It's the interesting times that build character. It's the interesting times that test your medal/metal and it's the interesting times that teach you where to go for strength. They will also point out where you are in the patience indicator, a board that I try to avoid at all costs.
It's also in the interesting times when Christ becomes the most real. I had a very interesting time tonight lying on the floor in submission to Him. I wasn't singing nor was I really overtly "doing" anything, but there He was. I lay on my face and I could feel something on my head as though I was getting a download through one of those steel cereal bowls like in the movies only this was warm, maybe more like a watch cap. I turned over and I could feel a brushing up and down my arms and legs as though something was trying to touch me without touching me, like the old egg broken over the head thing that we did as kids. And then an enveloping that was a little warmer came over me. I will believe in God whether I know these manifestations or not, but they do make for interesting times.

I have some things that I want to say, but I think that I'll go here instead, because it's a deeper truth and it's less volitile.
I have been contemplating, and have shared to some extent the process by which a seed matures and grows. Here is the place where I can best explore it as a whole concept.
When a seed is released from a flower or fruit, it has become hardened. There is an outer shell that protects the life within until such a time as the outside conditiuons are proper for it's gremination. The dispersal of seeds takes many routes from consumption to being taken by the wind or wave to the far reaches of the world.I read once that coaconuts spend two years at sea before they germinate, washing up on a shore distant from their point of origin.
When I was a little more involved in landscaping, we used a product called "groco" that was made with sawdust soaked in the exhumed product in a honey bucket and patuerizeduntil the bacterias had become inert... but the tomatoe seeds did not. Their hull was designed in such a way that it requires i suppose the heat and the acids in a digestive tract to soften them and encourage them to grow. Major parts of an elephants diet prosper because God designed their diet to coincide with the seeds needs and when the elephant is done with the seeds, they are planted in some really great compost.
Lotus seeds have been germinated after sitting for a thousand years. This past summer I had the pleasure of germinating some lotus seeds. I don't know how old they are, but I had to put them through a process called scarification. I used my best pruning snips to cut a line along the side to weaken the outer hull. Now this process is necessary for a number of exotics, bird of paradise for one, and I'll get back to the lesson learned there in a moment.
I then put the seeds in an appropriate container in a shallow pond and got excited as the leaves broke the surface. Now the question will be whether or not they can take the winter.
Now the bird of paradise- I still want one of these beautiful plants, but here in Washington they are a bit cost-prohibitive to me. They are sold only as a house plant because we have unruley weather. Anyway, I followed the directions, I planted them in sand after soaking them in water for a couple of days and I got nothing. I tried to scarify one with a plier and broke it open- it went fungal.
Lesson?
The life inside the seed must be coaxd out, not forced, not helped. If you break the protective hull it will be susceptible to disease, and rot. If you peel away the outer layer the plant will be weak because it didn't have the adversity necessary to give it the strength to survive. My lack of patience has caused me to lose out on enjoying some extreme beauty.
Another side to this, I have a friend who has four volunteer plants in the fromt flower bed. I pay attention to this bed in particular because have done some work in this bed. I didn't see these plants in there before and we haven't been able to identify them. The hope that we have is that you will know them by their fruit... where have you heard that before?

I spent this weekend playing music with friends and family that you can't just assemble without some kind of ordination. There is a love and a unity that is expressed, a severe mercy, an acceptance that I haven't quite gotten hold of yet. The leader of this group, this particular group (after a fashion) has done more to give me confidence in a gift within me than probably any other one person. That may not be a fair asessment, but playing with him (music) is like a confidence inoculation. There is just something about it, his demeanor, his ability to lead from behind. There is a Christ-like quality about it. We play, he gets the accolade (I know that he wouldn't like to hear it quite that way) and he lays his reputation at our feet. I get to go because he invites me. He gets to go because of his reputation, therefore his reputation is at the mercy of my abilities, to some extent. Isn't that what Christ does- He invites us to speak out on His good name and we affect His reputation. What we do, what we are about, how we "play our music" all has an affect on His reputation. If we aren't tuned to the master, we will always be out of tune. If I preach a gospel that is not foundationally mercy and grace, I am out of tune. If I preach a legalism that stops people at the door of the church until they have entered properly, I am out of order.
We must step into the mad circle of the world in order to take ground for the kingdom. We must give the freedom to the world to act in its' nature, then to mirror its' nature in hopes that the nature would be exposed as folly, and then the world will come to the banquet for true nourishment. I'm not sure how to do that, but I'm gonna give it a try. I may be back later today, I may not. We'll just have to see if I have anything more to say or not.

Sometimes when I think of those times (last post) , I feel like Bill Murrays character, Cross, in "Scrooged" when the ghost of christmas past was showing Cross his childhood and Cross had all those great memories that the ghost would tell him which television show they were from. I'm not so bad that I think that they actually happened to me, but some are more vivid to me than my real ones. Now I'm not ready to say that it's my lack, because it could be the power of syndication, but I think that it is actually kind of pitiful.
I loved my sister, as much as I've ever loved anybody, so please don't think that I'm placing any blame. God knows that I've lived my life and chosen to stay in questionable situations to see redemption, but I wasn't much of a kid. Adults tend to get a little myopic when they have a crisis on their hands. My mom proved that the time I hit a tractor-trailer with my bike on my way to school one morning. She calmly put her (she's gonna kill me) pants on backwards (I remember because the neighbor told her) took me to the wrong hospital (she assured the officer that a ride in his car with lights and siren was unnecessary) and left my bike at the scene (JC Pennys, green with a banana seat, but no sissy bar- I always wanteed a sissy bar... not anymore though).
This was the way that she responded to crisis, but when crisis gives way to mundane- My parents did very well raising both me and my sister. Gods' grace was evident in both of our lives, but God gave us to the right parents. I'm still a little inexperienced at being sick I'm not so sure whether to go to the doc or ride it out, but I know that I have been blessed in ways that I can't fathom yet. Ways that I don't see, but that's part of the mystery of being the Bride... How has the Groom wooed me before my suspicion was aroused. I'm gonna get that one. There are things that I don't mind not understanding, but that one... oh, look, a green M-N-M...Hmmmmmmm

I have much to learn, and my friends are the ones most likely to teach me the most important lessons of life. And this post is self indulgent... and cathartic- I hope.
I grew up in a house hold where the family was overwhelmed because we had a baby born to us with a congenital birth defect called Cystic Fibrosis. It is devistating to a family. My mother told me once that she could never explain to me what it was like to go to your childs' room and kiss her on her brow not knowing whether she would be dead or alive. I think that part of the reason that she did it was to be reasurred.
Both of my parents had full time jobs, and though my mother would not allow me to call mtself a latch-key kid, I went home to an empty house from the fifth grade on. (The neighbor babysat me for a year, but it was safer to be alone. Her kids were difficult to trust as friends and I was often the butt of jokes, or made the outsider when the kids form the other side of their lot came over to play-They never picked me first or over them- consequently here I am with nothing to hide behind and feeling alright for it- a little vulnerable but the truth will set you free, and this is my truth. Whether or not it's THE truth, well, I'm drawing on 30 year old memories) and my father would come home about two hours after I got home, so it really wasn't that big a deal.
That is, unless my sister was sick. My dad would come home from work and change his clothes and off to the hospital he'd go after being sure that I had dinner. Sometimes my mom would go straight to the hospital from work and come home earlier than my da'. When we were young she wasn't too sick very often but the older she got, the more often the hospital trips would be. And my parents didn't force me to go, which is probably one reason that I don't resist visiting friends in hospital...-
I don't think that I'm going to continue this- I fear that I've already said too much. And besides, who really wants to read about this.
"Two priests walk into a bar...
Oh yeah, encouragement. My name was almost Barney, or at least that's what my sister tells me that she saved me from. I'm a little glad, considering recent childrens television, but the other day I was contemplating this and I think that it was in fact the name that God would have given me. At least in the context of it being short for the name Barnabas, meaning Son of encouragement, as I remember. What a high calling. You have been that to me. When my vision grows dim, there you are, lighting the way. The Jesus in you shining like the city on a hill.
You know, we are called to be Zion. Our lives are to be the hill that our lights shine from. We take our everyday and create mountains of fertile ground or it just remains mulch, too hot to be handled, too slippery to get a grip on- It takes a little heat to make it useful, our every day being ourselves stuff. This is our testimony that overcomes the enemy. We take the high ground and shine in the midst of our weaknesses, doing the best, being the best that we can be, enduring to the end. Whether we carry our own keys or stay with the neighbors until He comes.

I have been contemplating a few things that aren't perked enough to go here yet. Well, nothing's really perked yet, but I made a kind of commitment. I'm going to think something and put it here, so...
I've thought for some years about intercessors and how important they are to the body of Christ.
My first analogy was to do with Mason bees. I studied them out a bit and learned that Mason Bees are a necessity for early fruiting tree pollination, and do their work before it is seasonable for most. It takes about ten times as many honey bees to pollinate the same area, but honey bees come out later in the season, so they pick up where the Mason bees leave off. The drive of the honey bee is to feed the queen while the drive of the Mason bee is survival and expansion of the species. The honey bee is a hive mentality feeding hive while the Mason bee is solitary doing it's work for a specific task- feeding one egg(seed) at a time. The honey bee tells others what it's doing in a wild show for the other workers while the Mason bee is content to provide for the next generation in a solitary fashion.
Later I began to see the church in the "high school" clique... The pulpit ministries being the jocks, the rest of us being the choir crowd, the spanish club, etc, and the intercessors being the "heads" or "stoners". I shared this with a friend of mine and they suggested that they were the hidden or private parts of the body. I'm not going to go there tonight, but I will before long. But for now, I will sleep.

I've decided to try out the blog. Somehow I find it easier to write in this type of format than with a pad and pencil and I've needed to get a few things down where I can see them, and look back on moments of clarity and enlightenment to see if that's really what they are. Nothing is sacred here, and yet it all is sacred to some degree- All I really know is that it's all covered by grace.
It's been a hellish year. My Da died as close to in my arms as I could have. No one really knew the joy that I felt for him, nor the utter weakness that I experienced in the aftermath of that period of ministry. I so wanted to go to a church where I knew that I could fall into the arms of a God who would use the arms of those who are His to comfort me. They say that there is no rest for the wicked, well if that's the case then the servant of the people of God must be wicked, for I am kept at arms length even yet. I think that if I ever got there, it would be hours before the snot would cease to run. I hear the promises, but I can't quite reach the prize. Even when the ring is within my grasp, my finger is within the loop, something makes it a spectre and it slips away, and again I have but a promise. How do you walk through the veil- I must walk through the veil. And I can no longer fear making a mistake.