Just sent out an e-mail that I thought "push send- doh!, that was a little too forward!" Fear is such a crippler. Either I'm forgiven or I'm not, you know? But then again, I guess that I can't look back on the past year or so and think that anyone who hasn't been around for any of that time would know any growth in me. (Although there is that whole change while absent makes it so noticable thing) I made a devastating mistake and I'm still not over it, exactly, but how can I know that you are? How can I know that our friendship is really still intact. How can I know that I can trust you to trust me when that hasn't been my experience with this sort of thing (not necessarily that sort of thing) in the past? Is there an answer to this dilemma? I think so.
You are who I think that you are. You are merciful and full of grace, like the God that you profess. You have the love of a big God within you and you are a secret agent on assignment for Him in my life (and the lives of many others even more secret- and less secret) and sometmes we share assignments whether we know it or not. I think that this all stems from me being undeserving.
I'm not tryng to capitalize on a poor self esteem here. As friends go, I could have none other- it just seemed- seems hard for me to trust that you could trust me. And then there is that other little matter that just never seems to go away. I wish that I could talk about that, but then i don't know that I would like the results of that either. This all reminds me of a lyric in a Lyle Lovett song, "Life is_ so uncertain"
And I'm asking for another 65 years... "Doh!"