Do you ever get a chance to see yourself younger? I have seen some of the young man who I used to be today and had a question answered about who I am becoming. One was easy in that I think that I see a place where I have grown, although I'm not sure that THAT would be a proper assessment of it.

I watched as a very helpful young lady worked her tush off (it was out of gratitude, she who is forgiven much loves much) to help my pastor move. She blew off work, and she needs to work- she just bought a new car, and she ran out the door to get lunch (that she shared with me) and other things to watch to be certain that their needs were met at every turn. If she could do it, it was as good as done.

I on the other hand (remember, I'm admittedly a work in progress as is this blog) have done the same out of wanting to please someone. If I can meet your needs, then I'm in. If I can gain responsibilities and you can rely on me, then you have to love me, I've earned it... I think that is the truth of it.

It comes from the fear of man. I have shared hints of the rejection that has affected my soul, and that is where the root lies, and there planted next to it, in a nice even row is bitterness sown by not having the wages that I expected yet never contracted for. Relationship, intimacy, being part of the inner circle. Jesus wouldn't allow it. He has been telling me for years that He wants to be in my inner cirlce, and I haven't known how to facilitate that. He's been telling me that he may seem late to the meetings of the inner circle, but it's our watches aren't synchronized yet. That happens through proximity. I'm glad that I'm indulging myself in this media. I don't know how else I would've gotten to where I just landed without it.

The other thing is that I have come to realize that if I had been alive during the time of Christ, I would've been a pharisee. And the reason that the pharisees were so bothered (one of the reasons) was because they had just been spending a lot of time defending, keeping pure and honest, their faith. I do that today, to the best of my ability, and when someone flies in the face of what I'm sure is right, they get a head butt. I crucify them. I stone them. I beat them into submission using scripture or sometimes rumored scripture (God helps those who help themselves... I think that would be like the law beyond the pentatuech), to make them say uncle. I have grown some and I think that though I would have been in the front row shouting, I am beginning to see some of the challenges in a less suspicious way. Learning more about discernment, and grace- what a big word that is. Things are looking up. God is not only my creator, He's my provider and I'm not a stagnant pool watering goats who stand knee-deep polluting my waters. I'm a new wine skin, and being renewed daily, a bit at a time.