I was invited to a friends house last night to do some, "sweeping and cleaning" in the home. He desired to get help ushering out some things that he felt pressure from. Things that encouraged behaviour in him that could cause a seperation between him and God, and so we went. We sat, we prayed and we listened to the Spirit. I could go into some of the seemingly spooky stuff, the stuff that if you were likely to understand you would know what it was anyway. Not necessary.
So anyway, we prayed. We began to dig into the soul of a man and saw a hidden bitterness purged that would cause any man to have some hidden struggles. We actually saw this thing as a seed that was buried, but in the wrong kind of soil. Mucky, mirey soil that isn't good to grow anything in but that which can gain it's nutrients on it's own, but this is not how a man was created nor designed. We are, in fact, interdependant, and must learn from, give to, teach each other and and that is what turns the soil and makes it ready for planting.
As my brother Dave was pointing out some lack in answering the call for progeny, I was hearing about learning to walk and seeing the quartet from the Wizard of Oz dancing together down the street, wondering which one he was when I realized that he was all of them, he just wasn't actually walking in step with himself.
And through it all the Lord was letting me know that He has been working in me, manifesting His goodness and today, as I looked in the mirror, My hair is getting a little darker. There are some new little black hairs growing up on my head, but that's for another day. Work is early, too early for no coffee and sitting around listening to well, again, another time perhaps. I'm just not prepared to go there yet- but God is up to something there as well... And God has broken through my enemies by my hand like a breakthrough of water. Yeah!

I will also say of this man, as I had intended to post last night. It's not about comparison so much as aspiration or inspiration. I have in the past considered myself pretty good in the realm of "armor-bearing", but I have learned things every time I come in contact with this tremendous servant of the Lord. Humility, mercy, grace, I believe that there's about 6 other fruits of the Holy Spirit that are growing on that tree. He is another whom I am glad to call "brother" from now until forever. A mighty man of God.

I am rarely speechless, but I had a moment of it today.I was incredibly blessed by a friend who I cried on the shoulder of, and told about my woes, not considering that God would use them to be a large part of His answer to my needs and, even though I think that God warned me so my heart wouldn't just out and out stop- I was truly "verklempt". I am now solvent, in addition to being employed come monday. I have never received a monetary blessing like this one... It was of the size that I am anxious to be able to give. I don't even know ho to express it, nor do I know that it is appropriate here, in particular, as I have already sent an e-mail to my friend. I don't know that I can say it better than here in the pasted e-mail.

My words would sound empty if I told you that I can't 
accept it, it's too much because, well, for one thing,
I'm not overdrawn at the bank any longer, and I'll be
getting the name of a guy tomorrow for car insurance.
I guess that God lets us get into situations so that
He can bless people big, and believe me, I was.
Mrs Maclain (Sue) was standing in her kitchen talking
to Dave (Mr) when I opened the envelope. Can I tell
you that the first thing that I thought was that $4
was too much to spend on a 32, or 37 cent stamp. I
thought that was extravagant, but when I opened it up
I was speechless. Sue handed me the phone and I just
waved her off. She told Dave that I was speechless,
and then handed the phone my way again. I just
breathed into the phone... God tried to prepare me
for this, but again, I'm not a quick study.
Anyway, if I know you, this is a little embarrassing
for you, and so I'll shut up now. Let me know if I
need to post thanks to many, or if the "we" that you
mentioned earlier is of the "royal" nature.
I am being convinced of a different future as you have
encouraged my soul as well as my spirit.

Well, little Jaquie O'Neill wins the prize for the question about the bear. She hit the nail on the head. Among other revelations tonight, hers is the one that will be best remembered. Here is what she posted on the Streetfire website...
"A bear to me is very strong, shows no fear or weaknes, and totally relies on its own strength to survive. (I"m now saying you are like that!) Maybe God is wanting you to rely on Him instead of your own strength, and let Him work through your weakness? That is what I got out of that? Praying for you Todd. Jacqueline"
Aint that a kicker. She hit it dead on. She hardly knows me, we've been in the same airspace about four times in her young life. She just graduated college and was invited to intern with Cindy Jacobs and Dutch Sheets- do you s'pose that's a hand in glove kind of fit? Uhhh, yup.
So God's calling me on my self reliance. I don't prophesy so much because of my self reliance. I probably don't get healed because of my self reliance. I have not dyed my hair because that would be such obvious self reliance to lack any credibility. And I've tried not to be so.
I ask all the time for God to do things, but I think that the way that it really works is kind of like this.
"Whatcha doin' there, God? Oh that looks like a pretty cool thing, can I watch? Well here, let me help. If you'd just step back a little I could... would you hand me that wrench, you know what I really need is a sandwich, could you go inside and get me..."
Like a parent doing his kids science fair project only in reverse. Why would I trust Him to do these things right, after all I live here on the planet.
And it may be why I don't have the cash flow that I know that He'd like to see me with. I'd be handing money out because "they need it" like it was my own money. It wouldn't be. He provides me with this body as a shelter. He has provided me with food to eat. I really don't know anyting about this gratitude thing at all. If I work, I earned the cash, not that He made certain that I was healthy and able to work.
Well Lord, I confess that I am self reliant, but I'm asking you to help me to learn this lesson and drive the bear out of my life. Like Edmund losing the dragon's scales, make quick and lasting work of it. Amen.

Well, it seems that the path now is cresting. Tomorrow I have a job interview with the bus deal. Not what I want, I don't think, but I'm not going to tell them that right off. I want to enjoy the moment. It has already taken off a lot of the pressure, and if I were to get on with these guys, I could move myself to Oly or Longview or wherever when I need to... I think. Still, though I see eggs I see not one chicken, so I'm not counting anything yet.
Last night I began to post here, but I got confused by the differences between mac and pc and so deleted and decided it was too late anyway and I needded to talk to God for a while... and listen, as well. I read in Song of Solomon about the Shulamite woman going out to find her love after "dissing" him at the door and how it cost her a beating and a ride in the squad car. I'm still not sure what I've been doing wrong, other than not spending enough personal time with Him. I guess I talk intimacy, but I haven't got it worked out yet.
Anyway, I heard from Bishop John round-a-bout and from Conrad Lampan as well, on fire in our lives. I guess that I have reached that place where it's no longer I but He who is the strength in my walk. I can be in the way like a corpse, but I really don't have a whole lot to say about anything. It's all Him, and He can see farther than I, so I'll trust Him..

I'm still not sure what that bear deal is... but I haven't spent much time alone, you know? I didn't get my car fixed, I tried, but I don't know electrical and have a kind of block about it anyway, thanks to uncle sam. (Whole 'nother story, not going there probably ever.) I asked Bulous for a little insight today and he asked about teddy bear?.. . 'been down that road sort of.
He confirmed a lot of what I've heard in the past. New countries (hard to see when you're basically homeless), and som e other stuff that I don't remember. It went fast and it was a download. For the most part, I heard that I am not going to be ruined by present circumstances. That was reassuring.
On theooze today unity reffered to me as "biggydrink" with a condescending tone that I hope that I responded to correctly. If it's about teddy ber, then I did just right... I told him that he was not to touch (mock or judge) the Lords' anointed. I begin to see myself a little in that light. It wasn't just that name, he referred to another guy as a babe. It was the twisting of scripture and my words. I said that satan was not in eternal opposition to God because it was a fixed fight from the timme of the cross. His response was that satan was doomed to the earth (a point that I mentioned) and so therefore ashes to ashes, dust to dust, where was satan chained? I hate manipulators and religious spirits and this guy is both. You get to a point and he attacks the vehicle... I guess that I should have said something about chasing cars, but it wouldn't have been heard right. I haven't decided whether or not to respond anymore.
On a happier note, I do know that my saviour lives. I know that He has a plan for me and that I may or may not be struggling, kicking against the goads, but I am moving. I have taken a direction and I am lumbering or perhaps sauntering on. Probably more on the lumbering side, but then that would be bearish, wouldn't it. I am determined to get this thing in line. I think that I'll get some time in now with the author and creator. G'nite.

It's time to stop being a bear and be a man. I don't know what it means yet, but I'm sure He'll tell me. Maybe it's because I seem to hibernate... do ya' think?

Did I say turn up the heat? What the hell was I drinking. I have about ten days to find a new residence, the last check that I wrote overdrew my account by $2.86 (that'll cost me $30.86), and today I got a ticket for not having proof of insurance... the cop stopped me as I was driving 1 block from Safeway (where I went to get ice for a wedding) back to the church because he didn't like my tail lights and nailed me for not having proof of insurance. So now I'm homeless, bankrupt and unemployed miscreant.
When I said turn up the heat I wasn't looking for a prairie equivalent of peat to hit the fan. That stuff doesn't burn as clean when it's fresh, and the aroma isn't anything like pine. Pony McNuggets, if you catch my drift.
My friend brought up the crowns that the 24 elders in heaven cast before the throne of Christ. She gave me a rhema word, but she got it from the Father, so it's really not mine to share here. But Rev. 4:11 says, "You are worthy, oh Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created."
I have to go back to the night that I lost my irish reminder ring, and my rant before God that ended with, "If I'm not on your mind, then I'm not in existence."
I'm homeless, bankrupt and and on my way to work out a deal with a judge and somehow, I climbed onto the spit myself. I feel like I'm on the spit that's hitting the fan... I think that's gonna be as close as I can get to saying it without saying it. It's one thing to actually say it, but there is a little posterity here... or maybe it's my posterior that I'm trying to cover, either way, I'll go no closer.
I just know that He says that he chastises those He loves. I hope that I can get through this and make Him proud. And my family. I have family that takes me pretty seriously, and they have a love for me that is beyond my understanding... They are a gift to me from God. He gave them to me. I share them, but they are mine and they make me rich in the midst of it all. They are a light in my darkness, the voice that calls to me when I am lost. They are the ones who, after I told them that I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but it seems that it was Amtrack, they told me I was going through training, and if your not groaning right now, I didn't tell it right.
Anyway, there is a confession of my angst. I have begun to see the value of the crowns cast at the feet of Jesus. There are no jewels, only reflections and mine is going through a refinement even now.

"So," the story goes, "do you know the most important element of comedy?" Why no," you say, "what is the most impor-" "Timing"
I have been waiting for fifteen years for some dreams to come to pass. 25 for one. And now the frequency of the same words coming to me. I begin to think that it's nearly time.
Joseph had it worse than me. He really believed what God said to him. I've struggled and given up and forgotten and, well, you know what it is to be human- I think that I'm just more of the give up/in type of human than most. You want me to go for something? You've gotta give me a little incentive. And, it seems, the longer between sightings, the bigger the incentive needs to be. I heard something about a new wineskin a while ago. and then more recently, too. Now I've heard something about tomorrows' fire. Joseph had a clue what God was saying.
Maybe that's a boon, to have no idea what your looking for- more catches your eye. On the other hand, when you don't know what it is, it can pass you by and, well, you miss it.
I believe that we are in a time of reformation, and that we are still recovering from the dark ages. I think that we are doing the best that we can with what we have, but I think that He wants us to have much more... I just can't quite define the much more part. Like Ransom on Malacandra trying to focus on things that he's never seen before. Like Neo trying to see with eyes that had, in fact, never been used. Like in one of those goofy places where water runs up hill and the shorter seem taller because perspective has been warped, manipulated to give you reference points that look right but are in fact, hallucinagenic.
This may or may not make any sense, but I believe that as much as I don't like what the church puts on people, they are doing the best they can. There are few true fathers in the church today- few true pastors who actually lay down their lives for their flock. A shepherd doesn't roast the one sheep that went out and got lost. If they find them, they do what they must to teach them, but the don't turn them out or ignore the pain that they may be in for their own convenience. They don't even find the slightest bit of pleasure in breaking that little lambs leg.
How can we better teach. How can we learn when there are so few teachers, and many of them are afraid to go on the adventure. Some seem to be on the archealogical dig, some looking for the cure among relics, and some looking for the cure on a new frontier.
Who's right? Yes. Yes would be the correct response to a question like that. I think that what is ahead must be the completion of what is behind. Jesus said that you must lose your life to find it. He said that he came to fulfill the law, not abolish it. He said that the time would come when the reaper would over take the sower. I am anxious to be overtaken by the Spirit. I suspect that it won't be pretty, but I think that it'll be a gas. What will it look like, that's the billion dollar question. I don't know, but turn up the heat, I think that I'm ready to burn.

I was gone for a couple of days. DAmah film festival in Seattle- I can never remember what Damah means, but it has to do with change and the the influence of things looking like something other than what they are... or something. Okay, I cheated- "a metaphor that transforms."
The films were great! Mostly. Kosher is always a crowd pleaser, and I heard the film maker talk a little about why she made it. The one following should have been followed- Transformations was about the grief of parents over the loss of a child. Very cathartic. It even makes me like that word more than I did before. Another called Longbranch was about a cowboy who was barbequing in his apartment while saving two lives through ccreating interaction. They were all great fun and with a 56k modem or better, many of them are available to be seen on their website at if you have the hardware.
I came home a little earlier than I wanted to because I have an acquaintance who insisted that I apply for a job, well, yesterday, but when I got in their today I got the distinct impression that I was Jeffs' friend and would be treated with some small resentment. I've been feeling a fair bit of that sort of thing anyway from various sources. I can't say that it's ever been real, but you know perceptions are deadly too.
Anyway, I came back early, left the film fest to get back because a job was assured, they are begging for help (the last time he sent me on this course, they weren't even accepting apps) So anyway, I went. I filled out the app, went and got a driving abstract (ten bucks I hadn't even contemplated spending yet) and they'll begin to consider it monday. Don't bother seeing Jerry or Jim, leave the app with Sue and Jerry will take a look at it on monday. I wish I was in Seattle right now.

I didn't post last night because it was a long evening. Not long in the sense that it drug on, but it actually went some where. The last time I felt that weak after praying for someone they died. (Okay, not that funny, it was my Dad, but we ministered to each other and no one else in the room mattered)
We were praying for a woman who I didn't know and I just really felt strongly that there were 7 stones that were things that the enemy had tried to use to harden her heart and that these 7 stones were to become a type of altar for her to minister from and that it would be a cross cultural, cross gender, ministry of these things that seem unrelated, but somehow He would fit them together- anyway, I was hearing from God. But when it was over, I was so weak in my knees, I hadn't experienced this before. Not since m' Da, and that was like being a birthing coach. I felt as though I was birthing him into heaven, that was phenomanal. I came away from that with a joy that almost overwhelmed the sorrow of the occasion. (I am having the worst time with spelling tonight- not type-o's, but spelling.)
Then it was my turn to get a little. Whoa-boy. I'll be chewing on that for a bit. He's gonna have to teach me how to proclaim His word. I agree with it fine, I just don't really know how to reak through that membrane that is between me and it. Lord I believe, help my unbelief... Lord I receive, help my bent receivers.

Tonight I heard a verse that I'm sure that I've skimmed over. It's in Luke and it says blessed is he who is not offendedd by the Lord. It's an obscure little thing that Jesus spoke to the disciples of John the Baptist when they came to ask him if he was who they thought that he was. After John had heard the voice of God. After John had seen the Holy Spirit fall like a dove onto his shoulder. After they had seen him heal and multiply food and raise the dead... but just befire John lost his head. I suppose that I could find losing my head offensive.
God know that I've been offended by less. And then it makes me see why the bride lowers her veil. She has expectations. I've thought about this being the reason that I haven't found a mate. The packaging is a little rough. There's an expectation that doesn't look like it will be met.
With Jesus that means so much more. There are such high expectations, and we want what we want. Surely he can do, all he has to do is speak the word, if he loved me the way that I deserve to be loved, if he loved me as much as he loves so-and-so- I an't go on with the list because it's just a pointless parade of excuses, many of which I have forgotten and don't need to renew an old arguement.
I lost a ring. I was offended. I got over it, and he gave it back to me. Then he asked me to give it to him. It was a simple ring. It had it's purpose, but it was a simple ring, not worth anything but sentiment and he asked me to give it to him in n offering. I wept, but I gave it... You should see the ring that I have now, but it can't be too precious to me or I will have to giv it to him as well.
But we don't want to give what is ours. We are like the two year old who has just learned the concept of "mine." I know that there are some who give, but few who really give "til it hurts." I don't perceive this to be a cultural thing, I think that it's pervasively human, and has many faces. We will not lose what we have gained unless we know the reason. That is the biggest harm in loss for us, and if we make the big sacrifices we have expectation for how it should be replaced. Then we are okay if God goes beyond our expectation, but if it's not within the realm of our understanding, well, we've had enough of that.
I don't have an answer, or even a way to end this post. I only know that I heard a phrase that a man used to describe himself. I may have used it before, but it's true, more so today than yesterday. I am a prisoner of hope- probably eternally, because I know that he's got something else up his sleeve. I hope that I can trust it.

Just sent out an e-mail that I thought "push send- doh!, that was a little too forward!" Fear is such a crippler. Either I'm forgiven or I'm not, you know? But then again, I guess that I can't look back on the past year or so and think that anyone who hasn't been around for any of that time would know any growth in me. (Although there is that whole change while absent makes it so noticable thing) I made a devastating mistake and I'm still not over it, exactly, but how can I know that you are? How can I know that our friendship is really still intact. How can I know that I can trust you to trust me when that hasn't been my experience with this sort of thing (not necessarily that sort of thing) in the past? Is there an answer to this dilemma? I think so.
You are who I think that you are. You are merciful and full of grace, like the God that you profess. You have the love of a big God within you and you are a secret agent on assignment for Him in my life (and the lives of many others even more secret- and less secret) and sometmes we share assignments whether we know it or not. I think that this all stems from me being undeserving.
I'm not tryng to capitalize on a poor self esteem here. As friends go, I could have none other- it just seemed- seems hard for me to trust that you could trust me. And then there is that other little matter that just never seems to go away. I wish that I could talk about that, but then i don't know that I would like the results of that either. This all reminds me of a lyric in a Lyle Lovett song, "Life is_ so uncertain"
And I'm asking for another 65 years... "Doh!"

I was just chatting with a guy about being ADD and I realized that I am, not bonafide, but self-diagnosed as ADD that is the reason why ____ so many things.
I have oft wondered about the whole "hard to receive" thing, and how unfair it is. How hard it is to be in a room full of drunks and be part of the remedial group in the corners known as the "hard to receives". You feel like a wall flower, even though you know that you aren't. And then people start making excuses for you because, well, they're embarassed for you. They would rather not have to deal with those kinds of differences, but today I may have gotten a little bit of an answer to this quandry that has been a thorn in my side for much too long.
I am ADD. I can't sit and read my bible, pray, worship, much of anything alone. I think perhaps it's a type of spiritual autism that floods the senses to the point that there is no response available, and like the kids whose parents have begun to use the finger boards to communicate with their children, I must borrow from the will of another to perform simple tasks and functions. I can do anything in the right company. It's really about the influences that you can draw strength from. My ability to know Gods' presence is sadly reliant on the reality of the investment of others- if that makes any sense. Sometimes I thought that it was that I wasn't enough, but I begin to see, now, that I just haven't had that part developed and it helps to borrow from someone. I'm not advocating the christian vampire stuff that I have heard allusions to, but more like the remora, a hangeert on and gatherer of scraps... kind of like the samaritan, even the dogs get the scraps from the table. Well, one step at a time. I will learn to borrow from the will of the Holy Spirit, now that I know that is what I need. I think that this might be personal revelation, and an answer for some others as well. Not all others, but some.

I was talking with my friend Ed and we were discussing "the process" How growth happens by degree and step by step. He said that deliverance can happen in an instant, and I countered that deliverance in and of itself is only a step. If we went through the process all at once, I'm afraid that we'd comeout looking like Frankenstein, parts sewn on nothing matching- you know two left feet, not so good for dancing. I'm glad that God deals with us as individuals, and that everyone's process is tailored for their success. Thank God that He's smarter than the rest of us.

David asked the question, "Why are you downcast, oh my soul?" I think that's a fair question to ask, don't you? We get caught up in stuff that we forget tomorrow, but for today, it's the big deal. How will we make it through to tomorrow unless we resolve it resolve it.
The real question should probably be , "When did my soul turn against me, anyway?" There is so much out there in the world that, in proper perspective, is phenomenal. God put cool stuff here for us to find. For us to use to make things. For us to eat and drink and- well, to use. He put us here in a place that would renew itself and told us to go forth and subdue. Not conquer, but subdue. I don't think that those are the same thing.
Subdue sounds like beating something into submission, but I don't think that's it. guess that I should probably study up on the original languages before I go off on this road. Is there a difference between the Body of Christ and the Bride of Christ? I do know the difference between the church and the Church, although someone earlier today wanted to clarify it for me. How do we get so screwed up on nomenclature? What is it that drags us over there. What is the shiny object that attracts our soul to ponder these things? I think that they may all be layers of the veil mentioned yesterday. We see through a glass dimly- then face to face. Are we ready to have the veil lifted from our faces- from my face?