Well, I have issues, like any one else, but I am beginning to think that perhaps, like Hosea, my married life is a picture of the church- the Bride of Christ. Hosea was instructed to marry a whore as a dramatization of the interaction of the nation of Israel with God. One of unfaithfulness and degradation. For me it may be one that the bride doesn't want to trust the what she sees and hears (I'm not particularly pretty)... remember these are the ramblings etc, etc. What follows is a diary entry that I penned last week during my time away. It may have some truth in it.

I see the bride, but how can she dance in that dress? Form fit to the ankles- And that veil is much too heavy. She couldn't see where she was going if she could dance. In her fear of mis-stepping she has bound her feet. In her fear of her betrothed she has layered her veil to hide, not her imperfections but her fear that the bridegroom won't live up to her expectations- it is, after all, an arranged marriage.
Can anyone live up to her expectation? Can anyone be worth what she perceives to be her cost? Her investment? She has forgotten and now only knows from old letters... still, He sounds very promising. The father who razed her, well, he was never her father, a non-invested foster parent, really, yelling epithets as she ponders their past and her future. He was never much of a guardian- he had actually violated her and tore her self esteem down far beyond what any man, any normal man, could hope to reconstruct- but here, dare she hope? Dare she really believe is just that man?
He has already given himself and his promise of fidelity. He vowed, and gave His life... He has set a feast and prepared a banquet, He awaits only her certainty. Only her unabashed abandon. He awaits the brides invitation without reservation... without reservation.

I got a kick out of what I hope was a joke, was likely one of those things that, if I caught it right, could be a lesson, but still, what more can be taken from me.
I was talking with Doris, a sweet God loving, God fearing grandma-lady, who I've done some work for who always blesses me. We were talking about finances and what it would be like to have seemingly infinite finance, what we would do- and the phrase that there were pro's and con's to this unlimited wealth that we were neither of us really prepared for and I made the off-handed statement that I try to stay closer to the pro's and away from the cons, thinking about my past abuses of judgement and the like, when she became suddenly quiet. She asked if I had been offended. I had a hunch where this dear saint was going, but still had to ask. She said that she had been talking to someone about it having been difficult for me to find work and they had made the statement that it's hard for a con to get a job... I howled with laughter. She couldn't remember who had told her, but I hope that it was someone with that type of sense of humor. If not, I may have something to worry about, but- I wish that I'd been there.

I was just in a discussion about whether or not God changes His mind. Age old discussion, no concrete evidence, just enough to feed everyone's theories far enough that they can't quite believe them, they can't quite let them go, but they have to have something to believe.
I have come to a conclusion. We are to come to Him as a child, right? And when raising children it's important for them to get a sense of themselves, of responsibilty, of how things work. When they are really little their decisions are, "cry or not cry, am I comfortable." When they get a bit older it becomes, "do I really weant to eat this or throw it on the floor. Mommy is there a different flavor." When you get a little older it's "why, I'm making this decision and I think plaid pants and a superman cape with my batman cowl will be a fashion hit in sunday school."
I submit that God has made decisions about some things. Earth, good. Night and day, good. Sea and sky, good. Plants and animals, good.Man, really good. (Woman, one of my personal fav's) Mankind being willful, bad. Christ to be set forth as a redeemer when man falls, the only way. These are the decisions that are made. I am beginning to believe that everything else He wants input. He can make the decisions unilaterally and I think because He's the Daddy, He probably does, but I think that He is open to discussion. Sometimes it's like praying for your team to win. God doesn't care who wins and loses, it's really, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequetial, but we are invited to do it and as children often do. He says that we don't have because we don't ask, and that he won't teach us to ask to "mumble dogface in the banana patch" when we want to use the bathroom (sorry , a little Steve Martin influence there.) He's not out to embaress us. He has made the decision that He loves us and wants the best for us, but that He will slap our lttle hands when we get too far out there. I think that He encourages us to stretch our hands out to him, and ask what we will, and if it's good for us the answer is yes. He intends to give us good gifts. He has bent over backwards to give us the best possible outcome in every situation.
This can, in no way be a finished discussion of this subject. I'm sure that there is much more to consider before coming to a concrete conclusion... If I must. If I have to use concrete, I'm writing my name in it.

Boy what a day. I can be such an ass for all the right reasons. If you listened hard enough you could hear me bray for a good portion of the day. And I hate it when I go there. I, I, I is all you here coming out of my mouth sometimes. It looks as thoug hI am the one that it's really all about. Me. The song Carol King did about being vain? Me. Picassos' portrait stand in model? Me. The tomb of the unknown soldier? Mine.
I have too much experience... maybe that's I've had too many experiences. Too many jobs, too many titles, lived in too many towns, moved too many times. I have got to learn to shut up at the appropriate times. I need to speak up when the outcome looks like danger, and let nature take it's course about teaching people things that they already have some concept of. Let others try out there ideas before pointing out the "easier way"
This is a big lesson that has been trotted out before me before, and I guess that I haven't caught on yet.I wish that I had more time to explore this here now, but I am beat. from all the doing things my way, easier or not.

Do you ever get a chance to see yourself younger? I have seen some of the young man who I used to be today and had a question answered about who I am becoming. One was easy in that I think that I see a place where I have grown, although I'm not sure that THAT would be a proper assessment of it.

I watched as a very helpful young lady worked her tush off (it was out of gratitude, she who is forgiven much loves much) to help my pastor move. She blew off work, and she needs to work- she just bought a new car, and she ran out the door to get lunch (that she shared with me) and other things to watch to be certain that their needs were met at every turn. If she could do it, it was as good as done.

I on the other hand (remember, I'm admittedly a work in progress as is this blog) have done the same out of wanting to please someone. If I can meet your needs, then I'm in. If I can gain responsibilities and you can rely on me, then you have to love me, I've earned it... I think that is the truth of it.

It comes from the fear of man. I have shared hints of the rejection that has affected my soul, and that is where the root lies, and there planted next to it, in a nice even row is bitterness sown by not having the wages that I expected yet never contracted for. Relationship, intimacy, being part of the inner circle. Jesus wouldn't allow it. He has been telling me for years that He wants to be in my inner cirlce, and I haven't known how to facilitate that. He's been telling me that he may seem late to the meetings of the inner circle, but it's our watches aren't synchronized yet. That happens through proximity. I'm glad that I'm indulging myself in this media. I don't know how else I would've gotten to where I just landed without it.

The other thing is that I have come to realize that if I had been alive during the time of Christ, I would've been a pharisee. And the reason that the pharisees were so bothered (one of the reasons) was because they had just been spending a lot of time defending, keeping pure and honest, their faith. I do that today, to the best of my ability, and when someone flies in the face of what I'm sure is right, they get a head butt. I crucify them. I stone them. I beat them into submission using scripture or sometimes rumored scripture (God helps those who help themselves... I think that would be like the law beyond the pentatuech), to make them say uncle. I have grown some and I think that though I would have been in the front row shouting, I am beginning to see some of the challenges in a less suspicious way. Learning more about discernment, and grace- what a big word that is. Things are looking up. God is not only my creator, He's my provider and I'm not a stagnant pool watering goats who stand knee-deep polluting my waters. I'm a new wine skin, and being renewed daily, a bit at a time.

So many topics to choose from today. Judgement, good or bad and who gets to do it. One-ness, is it nonsense or just something that I don't get? Racial disparity in the church- why?
I think that today I gained the most clarity on the subject of one-ness. This is a concept where you deny that you are anything but part of the whole. I say it this way because I can't get the main purveyor of this collection of horse mcnuggets to stand with enough definition to know if he is a Jesus follower or not. Once in a while he speaks a truth that is undeniable and challenging, at other times, I don't even bother reaching for the shovel, I just plant something and hope that it finds enough nourishment to grow. I met him on theooze and he is a thorn in the side of many.
As I consider the arguement that he laid out stating that Jesus doesn't judge us, I offered 5 verses, three in red letter, that said that judgement happens whether we like it or not.
I then challenged his overworked statement that we are part of "the One" and went to the graft example. He sounds as though we become part of the root stock, but we don't. Root stock provides a stronger root and feeding system to increase fruit and flower depending, viability and multiplication of slower growing varieties. Jesus is root stock, we are grafted into as gentiles, and as jews, we are branches of the original vine, but aren't faring too well on the fruiting and flowering portion of our calls. We, the grafted part, add a certain vigor to the original. A grafted root stock will often try to grow back and sucker from below or take over from the graft, but with proper husbandry, it will be kept in check and not adversly affect those parts that are grafted in. Because of this process, you can have many different fruits, many different colors all growing on the same tree.
It seems to me that when Jesus spoke about the body of Christ it always included diversity. Vine and branch with grafts- the Body of Christ- does a hand say because I am not an ear I am not a part. We are part, but with very different tasks, very different gifts, different levels of sensativity/sensuality. I met a guy once that had such thick callouses on his hands that he didn't use hot pads when he cooked. There's also the part about being bought with a price.
Did Christ need to ransom His body? Had it been stolen away from him while he slept? If we are part of the "One" then what is the point of this whole "world" thing? Wouldn't it have just been easier to make us part of the body in the beginning? What will they think of next... Forget I asked, I don't really want to know.

A man in California just reminded me that the chinese have a blessing, "May you live in interesting times." We were talking about how hard it can be when nothing seems solid beneath your feet because God is allowing you to be shaken to your core so that you know what your root stock really is.
Jesus said, "I am the vine, you are the branches..." and He meant that He should be our root stock. The thing about root stock and grafting is that you want root stock that is strong- will accept the graft and feed the branches, loaning the grafted part it's strength and durability. It also lends in speeding up the pro-creative process and the viability of a new plant. There is much more to this than I can speak to at present, so I am going to have to do some study, but I will.
Back to the inscrutable. Living in interesting times is like getting patience- you're afraid to ask for it, but you know that without it you will stagnate. It's the interesting times that build character. It's the interesting times that test your medal/metal and it's the interesting times that teach you where to go for strength. They will also point out where you are in the patience indicator, a board that I try to avoid at all costs.
It's also in the interesting times when Christ becomes the most real. I had a very interesting time tonight lying on the floor in submission to Him. I wasn't singing nor was I really overtly "doing" anything, but there He was. I lay on my face and I could feel something on my head as though I was getting a download through one of those steel cereal bowls like in the movies only this was warm, maybe more like a watch cap. I turned over and I could feel a brushing up and down my arms and legs as though something was trying to touch me without touching me, like the old egg broken over the head thing that we did as kids. And then an enveloping that was a little warmer came over me. I will believe in God whether I know these manifestations or not, but they do make for interesting times.

I have some things that I want to say, but I think that I'll go here instead, because it's a deeper truth and it's less volitile.
I have been contemplating, and have shared to some extent the process by which a seed matures and grows. Here is the place where I can best explore it as a whole concept.
When a seed is released from a flower or fruit, it has become hardened. There is an outer shell that protects the life within until such a time as the outside conditiuons are proper for it's gremination. The dispersal of seeds takes many routes from consumption to being taken by the wind or wave to the far reaches of the world.I read once that coaconuts spend two years at sea before they germinate, washing up on a shore distant from their point of origin.
When I was a little more involved in landscaping, we used a product called "groco" that was made with sawdust soaked in the exhumed product in a honey bucket and patuerizeduntil the bacterias had become inert... but the tomatoe seeds did not. Their hull was designed in such a way that it requires i suppose the heat and the acids in a digestive tract to soften them and encourage them to grow. Major parts of an elephants diet prosper because God designed their diet to coincide with the seeds needs and when the elephant is done with the seeds, they are planted in some really great compost.
Lotus seeds have been germinated after sitting for a thousand years. This past summer I had the pleasure of germinating some lotus seeds. I don't know how old they are, but I had to put them through a process called scarification. I used my best pruning snips to cut a line along the side to weaken the outer hull. Now this process is necessary for a number of exotics, bird of paradise for one, and I'll get back to the lesson learned there in a moment.
I then put the seeds in an appropriate container in a shallow pond and got excited as the leaves broke the surface. Now the question will be whether or not they can take the winter.
Now the bird of paradise- I still want one of these beautiful plants, but here in Washington they are a bit cost-prohibitive to me. They are sold only as a house plant because we have unruley weather. Anyway, I followed the directions, I planted them in sand after soaking them in water for a couple of days and I got nothing. I tried to scarify one with a plier and broke it open- it went fungal.
Lesson?
The life inside the seed must be coaxd out, not forced, not helped. If you break the protective hull it will be susceptible to disease, and rot. If you peel away the outer layer the plant will be weak because it didn't have the adversity necessary to give it the strength to survive. My lack of patience has caused me to lose out on enjoying some extreme beauty.
Another side to this, I have a friend who has four volunteer plants in the fromt flower bed. I pay attention to this bed in particular because have done some work in this bed. I didn't see these plants in there before and we haven't been able to identify them. The hope that we have is that you will know them by their fruit... where have you heard that before?

I spent this weekend playing music with friends and family that you can't just assemble without some kind of ordination. There is a love and a unity that is expressed, a severe mercy, an acceptance that I haven't quite gotten hold of yet. The leader of this group, this particular group (after a fashion) has done more to give me confidence in a gift within me than probably any other one person. That may not be a fair asessment, but playing with him (music) is like a confidence inoculation. There is just something about it, his demeanor, his ability to lead from behind. There is a Christ-like quality about it. We play, he gets the accolade (I know that he wouldn't like to hear it quite that way) and he lays his reputation at our feet. I get to go because he invites me. He gets to go because of his reputation, therefore his reputation is at the mercy of my abilities, to some extent. Isn't that what Christ does- He invites us to speak out on His good name and we affect His reputation. What we do, what we are about, how we "play our music" all has an affect on His reputation. If we aren't tuned to the master, we will always be out of tune. If I preach a gospel that is not foundationally mercy and grace, I am out of tune. If I preach a legalism that stops people at the door of the church until they have entered properly, I am out of order.
We must step into the mad circle of the world in order to take ground for the kingdom. We must give the freedom to the world to act in its' nature, then to mirror its' nature in hopes that the nature would be exposed as folly, and then the world will come to the banquet for true nourishment. I'm not sure how to do that, but I'm gonna give it a try. I may be back later today, I may not. We'll just have to see if I have anything more to say or not.

Sometimes when I think of those times (last post) , I feel like Bill Murrays character, Cross, in "Scrooged" when the ghost of christmas past was showing Cross his childhood and Cross had all those great memories that the ghost would tell him which television show they were from. I'm not so bad that I think that they actually happened to me, but some are more vivid to me than my real ones. Now I'm not ready to say that it's my lack, because it could be the power of syndication, but I think that it is actually kind of pitiful.
I loved my sister, as much as I've ever loved anybody, so please don't think that I'm placing any blame. God knows that I've lived my life and chosen to stay in questionable situations to see redemption, but I wasn't much of a kid. Adults tend to get a little myopic when they have a crisis on their hands. My mom proved that the time I hit a tractor-trailer with my bike on my way to school one morning. She calmly put her (she's gonna kill me) pants on backwards (I remember because the neighbor told her) took me to the wrong hospital (she assured the officer that a ride in his car with lights and siren was unnecessary) and left my bike at the scene (JC Pennys, green with a banana seat, but no sissy bar- I always wanteed a sissy bar... not anymore though).
This was the way that she responded to crisis, but when crisis gives way to mundane- My parents did very well raising both me and my sister. Gods' grace was evident in both of our lives, but God gave us to the right parents. I'm still a little inexperienced at being sick I'm not so sure whether to go to the doc or ride it out, but I know that I have been blessed in ways that I can't fathom yet. Ways that I don't see, but that's part of the mystery of being the Bride... How has the Groom wooed me before my suspicion was aroused. I'm gonna get that one. There are things that I don't mind not understanding, but that one... oh, look, a green M-N-M...Hmmmmmmm

I have much to learn, and my friends are the ones most likely to teach me the most important lessons of life. And this post is self indulgent... and cathartic- I hope.
I grew up in a house hold where the family was overwhelmed because we had a baby born to us with a congenital birth defect called Cystic Fibrosis. It is devistating to a family. My mother told me once that she could never explain to me what it was like to go to your childs' room and kiss her on her brow not knowing whether she would be dead or alive. I think that part of the reason that she did it was to be reasurred.
Both of my parents had full time jobs, and though my mother would not allow me to call mtself a latch-key kid, I went home to an empty house from the fifth grade on. (The neighbor babysat me for a year, but it was safer to be alone. Her kids were difficult to trust as friends and I was often the butt of jokes, or made the outsider when the kids form the other side of their lot came over to play-They never picked me first or over them- consequently here I am with nothing to hide behind and feeling alright for it- a little vulnerable but the truth will set you free, and this is my truth. Whether or not it's THE truth, well, I'm drawing on 30 year old memories) and my father would come home about two hours after I got home, so it really wasn't that big a deal.
That is, unless my sister was sick. My dad would come home from work and change his clothes and off to the hospital he'd go after being sure that I had dinner. Sometimes my mom would go straight to the hospital from work and come home earlier than my da'. When we were young she wasn't too sick very often but the older she got, the more often the hospital trips would be. And my parents didn't force me to go, which is probably one reason that I don't resist visiting friends in hospital...-
I don't think that I'm going to continue this- I fear that I've already said too much. And besides, who really wants to read about this.
"Two priests walk into a bar...
Oh yeah, encouragement. My name was almost Barney, or at least that's what my sister tells me that she saved me from. I'm a little glad, considering recent childrens television, but the other day I was contemplating this and I think that it was in fact the name that God would have given me. At least in the context of it being short for the name Barnabas, meaning Son of encouragement, as I remember. What a high calling. You have been that to me. When my vision grows dim, there you are, lighting the way. The Jesus in you shining like the city on a hill.
You know, we are called to be Zion. Our lives are to be the hill that our lights shine from. We take our everyday and create mountains of fertile ground or it just remains mulch, too hot to be handled, too slippery to get a grip on- It takes a little heat to make it useful, our every day being ourselves stuff. This is our testimony that overcomes the enemy. We take the high ground and shine in the midst of our weaknesses, doing the best, being the best that we can be, enduring to the end. Whether we carry our own keys or stay with the neighbors until He comes.

I have been contemplating a few things that aren't perked enough to go here yet. Well, nothing's really perked yet, but I made a kind of commitment. I'm going to think something and put it here, so...
I've thought for some years about intercessors and how important they are to the body of Christ.
My first analogy was to do with Mason bees. I studied them out a bit and learned that Mason Bees are a necessity for early fruiting tree pollination, and do their work before it is seasonable for most. It takes about ten times as many honey bees to pollinate the same area, but honey bees come out later in the season, so they pick up where the Mason bees leave off. The drive of the honey bee is to feed the queen while the drive of the Mason bee is survival and expansion of the species. The honey bee is a hive mentality feeding hive while the Mason bee is solitary doing it's work for a specific task- feeding one egg(seed) at a time. The honey bee tells others what it's doing in a wild show for the other workers while the Mason bee is content to provide for the next generation in a solitary fashion.
Later I began to see the church in the "high school" clique... The pulpit ministries being the jocks, the rest of us being the choir crowd, the spanish club, etc, and the intercessors being the "heads" or "stoners". I shared this with a friend of mine and they suggested that they were the hidden or private parts of the body. I'm not going to go there tonight, but I will before long. But for now, I will sleep.

I've decided to try out the blog. Somehow I find it easier to write in this type of format than with a pad and pencil and I've needed to get a few things down where I can see them, and look back on moments of clarity and enlightenment to see if that's really what they are. Nothing is sacred here, and yet it all is sacred to some degree- All I really know is that it's all covered by grace.
It's been a hellish year. My Da died as close to in my arms as I could have. No one really knew the joy that I felt for him, nor the utter weakness that I experienced in the aftermath of that period of ministry. I so wanted to go to a church where I knew that I could fall into the arms of a God who would use the arms of those who are His to comfort me. They say that there is no rest for the wicked, well if that's the case then the servant of the people of God must be wicked, for I am kept at arms length even yet. I think that if I ever got there, it would be hours before the snot would cease to run. I hear the promises, but I can't quite reach the prize. Even when the ring is within my grasp, my finger is within the loop, something makes it a spectre and it slips away, and again I have but a promise. How do you walk through the veil- I must walk through the veil. And I can no longer fear making a mistake.