I have heard of the long dark night of the soul. I am now in it, and it feels as if it is a polar night- lasting months instead of of hours.
I can't seem to lay hold of any of the blessings that the Father has offered. He gave me a car... three cars, and none of them run. I can't lay hold of spark in one, I can't lay hold of fuel in one and the third is a purely mechanical failure that is beyond my ability to find help for.
I am home from work today (losing money that I can't afford to lose) because I can't seem to get it.
Someone walked up to me and pressed $100 into my hand and I can't find the check.
Where is my God? Where is the one whose name I have looked to for refuge? Where is the God in whom my salvation rests?
I have been afraid of late that I have been caught up in a performance mindset. I have lived within that all of my life, I can't get passed the thought that my life hangs upon my performance, that blessing comes to those who have the magic formula, do the right thing, say the magic words. And then *POOF* prosperity.
I don't really have faith. I certainly don't trust.
Hope.
Hope is what I have at this point.
Worship is the place where I perform for Him and therefore He can find me and I can allow Him to touch me, but that is about the only place where I slide out a
nerve to feel anything. Everything else is because I have no choice to believe it. Where else can I go. Who else can I cling to. Without Him there is only the unknown. A paradox, because He is the great unknown incapable of limiting Himself to my expectations and unwilling to to satisfy the lowness of them, and I am losing even that at this point.
I have never been so depressed as I am now, and none of my perceptions are valid. It is all perspective, and I've kept myself low and wallowing in the mire of my own corruption, falling back to the things that I can effect to get the security that I long for, and I am wrong for it.
I have had the suggestion that I need to throw money at God like a virgin at a volcano, but I have sunk low enough that I don't have that any longer. I could give God the $100 that I can't find, but that would be a mere gesture. But on the other hand, isn't that what all of that is any since I don't have it unless He gives it to me anyway? And like a two year old child it clutch it to my breast and yell "mine!"
And now I feel as though I am careening down a hill and I can't keep even one foot on a pedal to slow my descent. I'm sorry. It's not up to me. I can't reason it out alone and their is an air raid siren in my head that stops me from hearing anything helpful.